Dear AARP:

    I am in recent receipt of a welcome package, sent by your organization, to my home. The materials contained therein welcomed me to the “50’s Club” and set out to entice me to subscribe to your magazine, which presumably delivers such stories as, “The Right Way to Go Gray,” and “Silver Strangers Take RV Trip Cross-Country.” Fun! But, while the offers are tempting — to be a member of such a groovy club and to receive, monthly, such an exclusive, journalistic stalwart delivered right to my door in the nursing home — I have instead, after much deliberation, decided to tell you, in no uncertain terms, to take this fucking membership card and shove it right up your ass.

Forever yours (and young),

J.D. Ventura