An Open Letter to the Wives of House Hunters

       Occasionally, when we just want something mindless to watch, my husband and I tune into the endless streamable episodes of HGTV’s House Hunters. For any visiting extraterrestrials living among us, the program profiles the housing search of a variety of different couples, in a range of locales and income brackets, and features a generally well-meaning real estate broker attempting to reconcile their differing wish-lists. But as diverse and eclectic as the panoply of buyers are, there is one thing they all have in common: all the husbands are gay as all get out.

    Sure, some make an emphatic point about the living room not being large enough to hold their football-worthy TV. While others flirtingly suggest to the female broker that the shower could easily fit three. And yes, some of these “heterosexual” couples even have children. But for every sign of straight-ness, there are many signals — let’s call them pink flags — that would suggest otherwise.

    So, dearest ladies of House Hunters, or, if I may, House Huntresses, here is the Top 10 Reasons Your Husband Just Outed Himself on national television:

1) He mentions to the broker several times that a “man cave” should take priority over a nursery;

2) He uses any of the following words while touring the house: aesthetics, tray ceiling, facade, chic, kitchenette, luxurious, texture;

3) He summarily decides his three young children can share a room so he can used the smallest bedroom as a walk-in closet for his shoe collection;

4) He declares that he “can’t create” without a gas stove;

5) He wants to be close to downtown to be near “night life;”

6) He screams โ€œyellow roses!โ€ when he sees the back yard for the first time;

7) He uses the phrase “original flooring” more than once;

8) He places a hand in the middle of his chest when he sees the wine fridge;

9) He wants quartz in the kitchen because he likes to “entertain;”

10) He finds the perfect corner for the curio he brought back from “a fishing trip” with his friend Trevor.

But ladies, don’t despair if your foyer is festooned with pink flags. At least your new home will be assuredly fabulous, even if he won’t leave his cave of men.

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